I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
