I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
