Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
