did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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