A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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