just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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