Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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