I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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