Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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