Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
