he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
