This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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