why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
