I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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