More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
