The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
