i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
