Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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