as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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