I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
