bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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