I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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