you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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