Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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