you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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