Umm I'm too high to move.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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