I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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