dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
