Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
