just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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