How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
