I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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