Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
