my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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