If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize