Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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