What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
