By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
