remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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