well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
