Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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