In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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