Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
