I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize