What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
