I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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