Please, let me fuck your mom
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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