Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
