My liver just broke up with me...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
