I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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