Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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