I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
