God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
