I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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