we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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