She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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